Just been thinking about everything that's happened in 2011. I hate to be all doom, gloom & depression, but that kinda just reflects my year all over. There were a few good moments, but they were much outweighed by the bad. Tomorrow, I go home to Scotland to be with my family over christmas, and I'm really looking forward to it, but at the same time, at the back of my mind, I'm a little apprehensive. You'll understand shortly I think. I'm at the stage right now in my life, where I'm not really that concerned with what people think of me, or my problems. If I want to "feel sorry for myself" and bloody will!! So here it is, in mostly "black & white". My year, in bullet points

JAN: I was alone for New Year, didnt think it would bother me, but I got homesick and overly emotional. But it didnt last long.

FEB: Ellen died. Enough said.

MAR: Uncle Roger came into my life when I really needed him. As Ellens nephew, I was instantly in love, and still love the little bugger very much.

APR: I turned 20 and started to experience life a little more, I began to enjoy drinking with friends. And I finally got my hair how I always wanted it to look.

MAY: Catchanova was back, and better than ever. My ex-boyfriend, who I thought I had managed to completely delete from my life, managed to get my new phone number, and started harassing me, calling me at every waking (and sleeping actually) hour, and leaving me irritating suggestive texts, desperatly trying to tell me he was a better person and wanted to meet up for a catch up. Ih adn't seen him in about 5 years.

JUN: I was so stupid and niave, I met with my ex. Things didnt go well. I was raped.

JUL: Found out I was pregnant. Didn't know what to do. In the end, did have to make a choice. Had that bad fall off Uncle Roger on the gallops, miscarried. Also tore all the muscles in my arm and literally could not move it at all without collapsing in absoloute agony.

AUG: Mrs Greeley came good and finally won a race, which we were all very proud of. Catchanova also won 2 races in a row, taking his tally to 3 races for the year. Despite all the good things happening at work, the stress of previous months events was getting to me, and I was losing control of myself. I couldn't sleep, barely eat without throwing it back up again. In the end, it was just to much for me. I started self-harming again.

SEP: Took a weeks holiday from work, it done me no good having all the free time to think about things. I tried to kill myself, but was found by my best friend Nikki & the Head Lad, Will, before it became too serious. I still have scars. Eve then forced me into seeing a therapist after I confessed everything to her. It was the only way I could keep her from telling my parents about what had happened. They cannot ever know. I don't care what anyone says. On the plus side, Mrs Greeley won again, and very easily too.

OCT: Fairly quiet month, which was nice. I was still struggling with personal problems, but things at work where going nicely. Catchanova won his 4th race of the year, taking my tally to 7 winners for the year.

NOV: Another quiet month, I'm learning to cope with things a bit better, but its still so hard. I've just got more used to putting up a brave face I suppose. Catchanova went home for his winter break, worst part is though, he might not be coming back ever. And if he doesnt retire, he might be going to a different trainer to do jump racing instead.

DEC: Going home for christmas, excited to seemy family and old friends, and my cats! Even though I'm badly allergic, and I have 4 haha!! A little apprehensive about hiding my scarred body for 2 weeks, it will be difficult, and worried I might bump into my ex while I'm there. But on the whole, really looking forward to a proper break. I love christmas!!





So yeah. I'm not looking for sympathy. Not at all. You can take this information however you want. I just wanted to let you guys see and hopefully understand, why I've been so absent this year, and why almost every journal I seem to write is sad and depressing.  I'm not even sure if this is the right thing to do. Im ean, that is some seriuosly personal stuff I've written, and well, sometimes you just shouldnt tell the world. But right now at theis moment, I'm feeling stressed out because I have a lot to do still before I go home, but I hate being so distant from here, and I'm tired of being so moany on here. I feel I owe it to you guys to explain. I mean, like I said, I'm not out for sympathy or pity, and I'm definitely not attention seeking, which is what someone said at work, that set me back a lot, but anyways, my point. I just want you guys to know why I have been the way I have. Because those who know me well, know that I'm not like that, I'm normally happy go lucky cheery, always being optimistic where I can and living my dreams. It's just really hard to get through this one though. That's all. One day, I'll be better, and when that day comes, I'll be back properly

Umm.... I'm not really sure what to say now. I guess I'll just hope for a better 2012. I hope everyone has a lovely christmas and a great New Year. Until my next update, keep smiling guys!